Sometimes you feel like a nut

I might be starting Japanese lessons soon. MADE OF WIN.

I am sad to say that after 8 months, my parents have decided to close the Smoothie Factor. I'm really kind of upset by this but que sera sera I guess, it must not have been meant to be :(. I'll be there today or tomorrow helping close it down.

I'm not really sure where to start, its just this splendid sensation, a stampede of thoughts i cant seem to articulate. Well, without squeaking or sighing a dreadful lot. I am so tired, things seem just so.. so right. I don't know how to explain it, but i cant seem to erase the smile from my face, even as i feel my heart is breaking with need, i cant stop smiling. I miss him so much. I need him. I need to be by his side, perhaps curled up at his torso, listening to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat as i drift to sleep.

But now, as always, 4am knows me like no other, and for once it is not my sorrows i sit here
crying over, but for joy, and love, and happiness, for these feelings, and for the one i hold dear, i cry for. Maybe i just need sleep, because i cant stop. And All i want to do is bury myself in his arms , but i suppose, the lengthy journal entry will have to wait.

i miss him, and I'm sure, my dreams will be blessed with his presence tonight. Let him be safe, let him know he is loved. I am his to own, and he is mine to be loved..

Given, I typed this early this morning.. internet just hates me today.

I was sitting on the phone with Chris last night and I started to cry. I didn't make a conscious attempt or anything, it just started pouring down my cheek. I realized it was because I was talking to someone who's known me less than a year and yet he loved me more than any other person i'd met including my family. I miss him and I can't hug him until Monday, I wish he were here now... He was there when I needed to pout or be sad and he always cheered me up before I got too down on myself. I cried because it occurred to me that I am basically just a roommate in my own home. That's a terrible feeling to have knowing that your parents only view you as someone who lives with them. It's like you're invisible and you no longer matter.

I've come down with a flu-like bug in the last week or so and know how many people took care of me? two. Me and Marley. Yea. I nagged mom into going to the doctor with me the other day and she couldn't even be responsible enough to get my medicine. Know what she told me? You get it. Yea, I should get it. I just haven't been able to move as much and can't breathe well without wheezing or coughing. My coughing has gotten so bad that my ribs are very very tender. Do you know that she outright told me I was the reason they keep fighting? Yea way to make me feel like not a burden. Thanks mom. I am so antsy to move out of here, I started packing up some of my stuff yesteday. It hurt and it made me tired five minutes in but it was worth it looking at it now. Chris said I could keep some of the boxes in his closet until we move so I'm pumped. I'm kinda bummed about the money situation and I have a feeling that I'll have to get a second job but if I have to do that to move out of here then so be it.

My orientation for Publix is on the 24th so I'm pumped about that. Yea, I got the job at Publix. It's a decent job and it pays pretty well for right now so I'm happy. I think it's like 7 something to start but that's alright because I have a plan to save money this time. Before I forget, Casselberry is the place I plan on moving to. Anywhere between here and there would work.

Well, writing this down has only partially helped. thanks.

I pretty much need to vent. Today my car was hit by an asshole. What happened, you say? Well i'll tell you. I was sitting in the drive-thru for McDonalds blissfully awaiting my kids meal (yes i said it shut up) and as i was pulling up I see a person starting to pull out so I did what any other person might, i let them go. Meanwhile i'm at a complete stop and the person RIGHT NEXT TO ME decides they are next whether i move my car are not. so picture it. I'm boxed in between two cars who are both trying to pull out at the same time... where is my car? RIGHT IN THE WAY OF THE SIDE CAR TRYING TO PULL OUT. she hits me with a WHAM and i sit there stunned. the manager at mcdonalds is oblivious and waves me ahead. i am really pissed off now. i stare at the woman and start to get out of my car to give her the business and she takes off. yea thats right. she TAKES THE FUCK OFF. so now I'm really pissed and even more stunned that i was just hit and she ran. wtf. so i grab my food, pull into blockbuster so Sam can tell me the damage (since it was passenger side i couldn't see) and then drive back to mcdonalds to call the police to report it all. crafty bitch was pulling in just the right direction so i couldn't see her license and all i knew was it was a white soccer mom-ish van and she was an old white woman. how many of those are there in apopka... cop says i'm screwed because i don't have a license plate to tell him and she took off. so i'm sitting there trying not to cry because my poor defenseless lila has a fair dent in her side and i leave the crime scene. i do the right thing and it gets me in shit. i get home and call my dad and grandfather to let them know, my uncle comes over and says it isn't that bad. my dad comes home and his first question isn't "hey, you're okay right?" nope. it was more like "Why couldn't you chase her! you should've gotten the license plate". yea, right like I'm going to risk it being a fucking teenager with an attitude and very possibly a gun. real good idea to allow people the right to carry in their vehicle btw. totally awesome. I'm irritated, hot and sweaty and i want to move out right now.

well... seems I'm back. things have been... not good. i quit Blockbuster. Yup, I finally did it. Given, I should have waited until I had another job set up but... I was so miserable there. I also finally told my mother exactly how I felt and go figure, she still doesn't get it. She claims she wants to help but her way of helping is to help me superficially. I have awful self esteem so of course making me look prettier is going to fix that, silly Kiki. I got the number for the social worker but I've been kind of afraid to call. I'm scared that he will just be another person who won't understand and make assumptions about me. That's the thing I'm most afraid of... the assumptions. Everyone I've ever known claimed to know me and then can turn around and say these terrible things about me. I'm not selfish, I'm not self-absorbed and I don't worry for no reason. I am a good person and it took me 21 years to finally figure that out. I deserve to be treated nicely and all I get for my trouble is the "sidekick complex". The definition to that is simply if a person is friends with another person they feel is inferior. So inferior in every aspect that they feel comfortable dumping on them because their life is shitty. In my case, it seems to happen with every friendship I have... well no, that isn't true. There's at least one person who hasn't done that to me in my group of friends. Friends.. ha. I don't have friends. I have people I know and people who will only come around me when they have problems but no real friends.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I was assaulted by my (now) ex-boyfriend. He tried to make me have sex with him and I didn't want to. Where were you? I called so many people just looking for one person to be on my side. My own parents wouldn't even take up for me. I have felt so alone this whole time that everyday I wake up and want to sit and scream. The only person I've been able to talk to is Chris. He takes away my fear. He holds me at night when I've just had a nightmare and i'm shaking and crying to myself. He saved me from myself. When my parents were telling me to just forget it and it was okay now because they had changed the garage code... Chris was there telling me I couldn't sit there and let him win. I had to do something about it... well, he was right. I have let myself be victimized my whole life and I've just accepted it when people told me I couldn't do something. I've even let people tell me I wasn't worth it.

Now, I would never claim to understand another human being because really, I don't. I never understood why others act they way they do but at least I try. At least I put effort in. Really I'm tired. No, I've BEEN tired. I'm tired of living the life I am and I'm tired of having people in my life. The reason is mainly because I have no one I can count on. If I were in trouble, I have no one I could call to come to me. I have basically lost all the hope in the world and I'm not sure how to get it back.

It feels like I'm going crazy. I'm alone all the time, terrified to go anywhere and even more scared to be by myself. I guess people really can't live in isolation... there has to be SOME kind of contact with the outside world... wonder what that means. Only thing really keeping me going is not wanting to hurt the people that I feel DO care. Not sure how long that's going to last. I spend all my time trying to make everything about me and my problems, blah blah blah because just once I'd like someone to pay attention to me. I act so that maybe, someone will give me the time of day. Maybe someday, my parents will too. I keep wanting to hurt someone, not myself but someone. Not to seriously hurt someone, just pick a fight. I can't seem to control my anger with everyone around me. I've been overly-sarcastic and a little mean to the people around me. I'm worried, i'm always worried it seems.

this is not a depressing post, i am actually happy. i feel like this huge weight has been lifted off me, i've been happy for the last week or so. i love this feeling, i hope it lasts. my schedule has kinda sucked and i haven't been able to hang out with friends and that really sucks BUT it's okay.

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as most of you figured out by now, i'm a cashier at blockbuster in apopka. apopka is podunk, usa and everyone knows it so of course we get a real class of people that come in. given they aren't ALL Podunk-ish drunk idiots, a good portion of them are. anyway this is what happened the other night:

Me: *checking out a couple, while trying to maintain a long long line*

Guy walks up... drunk guy. you can smell him from the back of the store.

Guy: *walks up next to the guy i'm checking out* "Hey, i'm gonna need your SPECIAL attention when you're done because i wanna have a good time tonight"

Me: *finishes up and turns to drunk guy* "how can i help you tonight"

Drunk Guy: *wobbles a little* "i'm lookin for a game... an xbox game"

Me: "Ok...do you have a game in particular? Here, lets walk over to the game section and take a looksie, shall we?"

Drunk Guy: "ok,... i just want to have a good time tonight" *puts hand on my shoulder*

Me: "so what kind of games are you looking for? sports? racing? rpg?"

Drunk Guy: "well my brother and i want a 2 player game so we can have a good time"

Me: *shows him random sports game that happens to be 2-4 players*

Him: (very loudly, mind you) "NO WE DON'T WANT NO NIGGER GAME, WE DON'T LIKE NIGGERS. WE'RE FROM *****,ALABAMA AND WE'RE VERY RACIST AND THINK THEY SHOULD BE KILLED".

Me:"...ok... what about an RPG... or... this game.... or this game..."

(now at this point he was holding 4 or 5 games)

Him: "thank you for your help, sweetheart. would your work mind if i gave you a little kiss here on the cheek?"

Me: *shudders* "while although i don't know if work would mind, i think that my boyfriend would have a problem with it"

Him: "Oh ok, well i wouldn't want to get my ass beat by your boyfriend when i'm so drunk off my ass... hey, do y'all sell JOY-STICKS... because if y'all don't have a joy-stick so i can play my games, i'm not gonna buy tonight"

Me: "i don't believe we do but i'll check just for you, hows that?" *looks it up and we don't* ... nope, sorry we don't carry them. you might find it at a garage sale or flea market or something... maybe you could try Wal-Mart..."

Him: "oh well shiiiittt *sets down games and walks out*

Me: "I can help the next in line"

...up walks... a black man.

i would like to take a moment and ask you a question. if, say, your parents bought a camera to monitor theft outside your house and instead used it to monitor what time you come home and who you arrive with... wouldn't you be a bit upset? "it's for your protection". protection, my asshole, it's so they can further keep tabs on me because my just being 100% truthful with this doesn't seem to be enough. i come home when i'm supposed to, i call in the slight chance i'm late and i always ALWAYS do as they say.

so. my question is why i was deemed so untrustworthy and why they have to keep tabs on me. i haven't screwed up at all, and i'm not like the kids who go out partying and drinking all night. if i go out it's because i'm going to steak and shake with my coworkers for a few hours. if i drink anything, it's at home until next year in which case, i can go out wherever i please because i'm 21 and an adult. and in the rare chance i do drink, it's not like i go WOOHOO LETS DRIVE! i am just so sick and tired of being treated like a child and i have had enough.

neither of my parents were treated like this after the age of 16 so i don't get why they feel they have to be so overbearing and assholic. yes i'm handicapped, yes i'm a target, yes i'm an only child. but at the same time, a plane could crash into my house. they can't protect me from everything and keeping me under their thumb is just going to make me hate and resent them.

Wafflesinlove: since you aren't answering i'm gonna tell you a story
Wafflesinlove: once upon a time there was a little monkey named fred (no shut up, it's fred)
Wafflesinlove: he was the loneliest monkey in all the forest
Wafflesinlove: one day while he was climbing the trees, he spotted a leopard
Wafflesinlove: "HALO THAR YOUNG LEOPARD!!!" said the monkey
Wafflesinlove: but the leopard wouldn't listen
Wafflesinlove: the monkey decided to climb down some and try again
Wafflesinlove: "HALO THAR YOUNG LEOPARD" he screamed
Wafflesinlove: still no answer.
Wafflesinlove: so he climbed down so far he was almost touching it
Wafflesinlove: the leopard waited a moment and LEPT in the air and at the monkey's ass
Wafflesinlove: "that's what you get for trying to make friends with a predator, asshole"

10:00pm-8:00am: Sleep.
8:05am-9:44: Watch Lazytown in my undies.
9:45am-10:00am: eat something and get ready for work
10:00am-10:30am: chill time/gather any forgotten items
11:00am-4:00pm: work
4:00pm-4:13: run home, take marley... out all that jazz.
4:30pm-4:55pm: Drive to AMC.
5:00pm-6:30pm: Clerks II.
6:35pm-8:10pm: Hang out with Sam and Rob
8:15pm-8:30pm: Call Sammi, Katelyn, and TiShea to hang out.
8:30pm-9:00pm: Hang out with Katelyn and Sammi
9:15pm-10:20pm: Hang out with Sammi at Barnes & Noble and also run into TiShea, Derek, and Vee!.
10:30pm-10:45pm: Drive home
10:55pm-12:30am: talk to everyone.
12:30a.m: sleep.


*warning: these are all approximations XD and. this is also not a typical day for me. today was kinda exciting. and Kate and Shea are leaving soon so i really needed to see them :(

got bored and made some icons.

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RUHRUHRUHRUHRUHRUH. how does one call an employee and go "oh by the way... youre in at 12" when its 10 of 11... like i just sit home all day waiting for blockbuster to call me in. its bullshit. and it isnt fair. i better get a really fuckin awesome paycheck when i get there. and im not playin around. if anyone wants to save me from boredom, i work until 8

i am not going to be nice anymore. everytime i get comfortable with my life and i'm nice to the people around me, i get screwed. so. i'm not gonna be nice anymore. i'm also tired of asking people to hang out. from now on... you ask me because i don't like sitting home waiting for your ass when you obviously aren't worth it to begin with.

Brittany inspired me so here: Al Green- Lean on me
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Tired of being alone
Let's stay together
Alicia Keyes- Unbreakable
Anastacia Soundtrack- Once upon a December
Andy Gibb- (our love) Don't throw it all away
Apocalyptica- Bittersweet
Ashanti- Baby
Unfoolish
Babyface- there she goes
Everytime I close my eyes
nobody knows it but me
sorry for the stupid things
When can I see you again
What if
Beethoven- moonlight sonata
Belanova- tus ojos
me pregunto
Benny Benassi- Satisfaction (club mix)
Beyonce feat. Sean Paul- baby boy
Blessed union of souls- I believe
Bossa n Stones- Wild Horses
Bow wow feat Ciara- like u
Bubba Sparxx- Ms. new booty
Candlebox- far behind
Cascada- everytime we touch
miracle
Charlotte Church and Josh Groban- the prayer
Chobits- let me be with you
Chris Brown- run it
yo
Cinderella Soundtrack- so this is love
Clipse feat. Pharrell- Grindin
Common- the light
testify
Craig David- Seven Days
Daddy Yankee- Gasolina
Daddy Yankee feat. nina sky- oye mi canto
David Bowie- suffragette city
Debussy- Claire de lune
Dmx- party up in here
Electric Six- danger (high voltage)
Elvis Presley- I can't help falling in love with you
Eminem- When i'm gone
Ass like that
Eve- Love is blind
Extreme- more than words
Fallout boy- grand theft autumn
dance dance
Fat Joe- whats love
Fifth Dimension- wedding bell blues
Fort Minor- where'd you go
Fullmetal alchemist soundtrack- to the other side of door
Fullmetal alchemist soundtrack- op2
Grant lee buffalo- honey don't think
Gomo- feeling alive
Gorillaz- dare
Green Day- wake me up when september ends
Gwen Stefani- cool
luxurious
rich girl
Head Automatica- beating hearts baby
Hocus Pocus Soundtrack- come little children
Hooverphonic- this strange effect
Imogen Heap- loose ends
In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth- The Ring in Return
In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth
Cuts marked in the march of men
Three Evils (Embodied in love and shadow)
The Crowing
Blood Red Summer
The Velorium Camper I (Faint of Hearts)
The Velorium Camper II (Backend of Forever)
The Velorium Camper III (Al the Killer)
A Favor House Atlantic
The Light & The Glass
Inuyasha- fukai mori (deep forest)
Ja Rule feat. Ashanti- mesmerize
down 4 u
Jason Mraz- geek in the pink
Jennifer Lopez ft. fat joe- hold you down
JLO feat. LL Cool J- all i have
John Denver- take me home, country road
Josh Groban & Charlotte Church- tonight, tonight
Jumbo- Dia
Keith Sweat- nobody
Kelis feat. too short- bossy
Kelly Clarkson- because of you
Keyshia Cole- love
Lady Sovereign- 9 to 5 (clean)
Lauren Hill- ex-factor
Lil Mo feat. Fabolous- Supawoman
Lindsay Lohan- confessions of a broken heart
LL Cool J- Doin it
love you better
head sprung
Lou Bega- mambo no. 5
Louis XIV- finding out true love is blind
Mariah Carey- we belong together
Marvin Gaye- lets stay together
Mary J. Blige- be without you
Enough cryin
Matisyahu- king without a crown
Michael Buble- you belong to me
that's all
Mike Oldfield- moonlight shadow
Mindless Self Indulgence- straight to video
Missy Elliot ft. Ciara and Fatman- lose control
Morningwood- nth degree
Namie Amuro- CAN'T SLEEP, CAN'T EAT, I'M SICK
Nancy Sinatra- these boots are made for walking
Natalie Cole- this will be
Natasha Bedingfield- Unwritten
These words
NB Ridaz ft. Angelina- notice me
Next- wifey
Ne-yo- so sick
Nina Sky- move ya body
Olivia Newton John- Hopelessy Devoted to you
OMD- if you leave
Orishas- Kilo
Panic! at the disco- the only difference between...
I write sins not tragedies
I constantly thank god for Esteban
Patsy Cline- walking after midnight
Perry Como- magic moments
Pharrell Williams feat. Gwen Stefani- can i have it like that
Psychedelic Furs- love my way
Rascal Flatts- what hurts the most
Rasputina- gingerbread coffin
Red hot chili peppers- higher ground
Rihanna- if its lovin that you want
S.O.S
Unfaithful
Rob Zombie- thunder kiss 65
Rockell- in a dream my love
Sarina Paris- just about enough
look at us now
Saving Jane- girl next door
Sean Paul- get busy
gimme the light
we be burnin
like glue
shake that thing
Seether feat. Amy Lee- broken
Shakira- hips don't lie
Shawn Colvin- never saw blue like that
Simple Minds- Promised you a miracle
Sleeping Beauty Soundtrack- once upon a dream
Snow Patrol- Chocolate
Run
Sparkle feat. R. Kelly- Be Careful
Sponge- Plowed
Stacie Orrico- stuck
Stunt- Raindrops
SWV- Weak
T Pain- I'm Sprung
Tami Chynn- Hyperventilating
Tatu- All about us
The all American Rejects- dirty little secret
The Beach Boys- In my room
The Cure- Apart
Boys Don't Cry
Friday I'm in Love
A letter to Elise
Just like Heaven
Love Song
Lullaby
The Dresden Dolls- Coin-Operated Boy
The Five Stairsteps- Ooh Child
The Little Mermaid Soundtrack- Part of your world
The Pixies- Hey
Monkey gone to Heaven
The Raconteurs- Steady as she goes
The Rolling Stones- Paint it black
The Shirelles- One fine Day
The The- This is the day
The Veronicas- Mouth Shut
The White Stripes- in the cold cold night
my doorbell
The Wonders- That thing you do!
Toadies- Possum Kingdom
Toto- Georgy Porgy
Trio- Da Da Da
Tyrese- How you gonna act like that
Utada Hikaru- Sanctuary
Be My Last
Can you keep a secret?
Eternally
Hear me cry
Keep Tryin'
Passion
Simple and Clean
Sukiyaki
Blow my whistle
First Love (english)
Venga Boys- We like to party
Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Maps
Zucchero feat. The Scorpions- Send me an angel


If I'm missing anything crucial, lemme know.

I love that someone can take something as mundane as a newspaper and turn it into a superawesome supernatural thriller. seriously. omg. *loves for Premonition* yay.

So life is shit once again. Betcha didn't see that comin, eh? All I want is someone who will love me, respect me, and move on in life with me. I'm not just some shallow, egotistical chick anymore. I have real feelings and wants for my life but if I keep getting jerked around, I'm going to have no choice but to revert. i need some substance in my life here or i'll fall. I've gotten to be very depressed lately and I don't know what to do to fix it. I'm alot sadder, I've gained a noticeable amount of weight and I find it harder to get out of bed in the morning than it used it. I also never leave the house anymore other than School (which is out) and work. I really need to snap out of this but... how?

you know that feeling when you think the whole world has come crashing down on you? yea. me too.

my uncle gil was sent to the emergency room last night and all i know is he had chest pains last night. i dont know what to do.